Apples and Oranges
6:35 pm
Don’t you find it tiresome when you ask someone about something and they give you an opinion instead? This is my experiment with dialogue and rant about that.
…………………………..
“Hey can you tell me where to find some oranges?”
“Oranges?! You don’t want them! They’re gross. You should get apples. I can tell you where to get apples.”
“No thanks. I just want to get some oranges.”
“No to you. I think you mean apples. Everyone likes apples.”
“What? I don’t want apples. I want oranges. I like oranges.”
“Haha! What are you weird? You must be stupid! Face!”
“Look I didn’t ask to be insulted here I just…”
“No you look. You look. Apples are what you need to get. They’re the best things ever. I can tell you how to get apples. I know where they are.”
“That’s great and if I was making an apple pie or had a need for apples I would be glad to hear you tell me about them. I just want some oranges. I like oranges better.”
“No that doesn’t… you don’t make any sense! I CAN’T TALK TO YOU! What’s wrong with you! See now you got me yelling now.”
“What? You can’t talk to me?!”
“Look at you. You’re all confused. Why are you raising your voice? You’re not on a drug are you? Do you have some kind of mental problem? I can get you help. I once knew someone who had problems like you. I will make some calls and…”
“I’m confused?”
“It’s good that you admit that. It’s a first step.”
“Are you out of your fucking mind or just incredibly dense?”
“Now he’s swearing at me. Tsk tsk. What a sad little person… Look, I can’t help you if you fight me. You have to let me help you. Let me help you help you. You have to want to help yourself to help yourself. We can do this.”
“I don’t need help. Wait, do I?…. NO! I just want some fucking oranges!”
“Oh my, more swear words. Don’t worry buddy. My friend. We’ll get you through this. I know you’re confused and you probably think everyone else is the sick one but it’s part of your sickness.”
“I’m out of here.”
“No, you can’t do that. You need to give me your name and maiden telephone number. Then your dog’s last credit address. If you don’t you’re going to be in bigger trouble.”
“What? I’m in trouble? I thought you said I was sick?”
“Finally we’re making progress. You admit your illness.”
“I didn’t admit anything!”
“Yeah you did. Wait a second… HEY JIMMY!… there’s Jimmy, he’ll help us… HEY JIMMY YEAH JIMMY GET OVER HERE! I NEED YOUR HELP!”
“Yeah my name’s Jimmy, what’s it to ya.”
“Jimmy I might need your help with him. He’s weird. He can’t even understand us right now. He’s that sick Jimmy.”
“Hah, what a dummy.”
“Yeah, yeah. I know that. Okay. I know that. I said it first.”
“Moron face.”
“……..”
“See he can’t even talk. And do you know why Jimmy? I’m going to tell you even if you do. He doesn’t like apples!”
“WHUUHHH? HUH-WUH? BUH… DUH…”
“I, I, I, I, jut.. dat, ah, ah. I know know! I can’t take it Jimmy. I can’t even speak. Look at me… I do so much for him and this is how he repays me. I try to work with him. I try Jimmy. I’m gonna cry. I, I just…”
“WHY ARE YOU DOIN’ THIS TO HIM! UHHHH! I know you’re sick and a special individual but I want to hurt you! Just looking at your stupid face. Look at what you’re doing to us! ARGGH!”
“No! Don’t. He’s sick. We need to get him help.”
“You’re too nice to him. Why else would he think it’s okay? He needs to be fucking smacked. Some fucking smacked sense knocked to him!”
“I get it now. This is a bad dream.”
Hey there’s Sally. HEY SALLY! OVER HERE! Let’s ask for her insight because she’s totally involved in this too. She knows all about it. HEY!”
“Hey what is up my friends!”
“This guy hates apples and wants to destroy all the apples in the world.”
“WHAT?!”
“I know. He’s sick and paranoid.”
Look you. You like this right? See my ass? See all that bump in the trunk? Do you think that any girl is ever going to want to look at you with your bad attitude and problems?”
“Uhm…”
“Look honey. Sweety. Honey sweety. I want to help you. We’ll get you some nice clothes and some apples. Get you a nice respectable date.”
“And a job! Dead beat.”
“I know! How’s he going to pay for his picket car fence if he doesn’t have a job? He needs work but I tell you. He’ll never get work if he goes in all like, “I don’t like apples, and I hate anyone who eats apples.”
“Honey sweety pie poo sugar buns… You’re a handsome person for someone who doesn’t like apples. You could be so much handsomer. Don’t you want to have a normal life?”
“I just want to find some oranges. I mean I thought there was a stand around here, but…”
“Wha!… Oh my! I don’t know what to say! I can’t breathe!”
“I know. He’ll do that to you. He’s a mean person.”
“Yeah! We should just leave him. We did our bests. Some people you just can’t save.”
“I know but I feel it’s our duty to at least try. We’re good people. We’re nice and we’re good. It’s our job to reach out and try to help the disenfranchised and the mentally problemed.”
“Oh, you’re so wonderful. If only every man were like you guys.”
“Okay Mr. I-don’t-like-apples I’m gonna give you one more chance before you force me to make me help you help you, and call the police. Because we can’t handle you alone anymore.”
“He’s right. He’s right! I tried smacking him with sense and he doesn’t get it. I’m sorry that I did that. I realize that he’s a very troubled and sick person. I shouldn’t of tried smacking the sense into him. He needs to be medicated and counseled so that they can fix the sense into him…. APPLES ARE GOOD. DO YOU UNDERSTAND MY WORDS?”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s not your fault. He’s sick. I say we call the cops and then we get some watermelon.”
“That sounds good to me.”
“Good idea. This whole experience has been so tiring. I think it’s given me wrinkles. I need to relax.”
“We’ll take care of him and then get some watermelons. He’s stolen too much of our lives already. We won’t let him take any more of our time.”
“Yay watermelons! I like watermelons and cantaloupe and watermelons!”
“Right… You’re crazy. I’m gonna go now.”
“Hey you can’t do that! Oh he left. Uhm. So. Did you just say you like cantaloupe?”
THE END?!
